Boy to mother: I've  decided to stop studying.’
How come? asked the mother.
I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.’

An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. The lift will be down presently,’ the receptionist told him.
The lift? said the American. Oh, you mean the elevator.
No, I mean the lift.replied the Englishman.
I think I should know what it is called, said the American. Elevators were invented in the States.
Perhaps, retorted the Englishman. But we invented the language.

A small Indian boy appeared in the class of a London schoolteacher for the first time and she asked him his name. ‘Venkataratnam Narasimha Rattaiah,’ he said. When she asked, ‘How do you spell it?’ he replied, My mother helps me.’

An  eager young man entered his prospective boss’s cabin for an interview, Said the boss ‘One thing our company is very particular about is cleanliness. I hope you wiped your shoes on the doormat while coming in?

Yes, sir,’ the young man replied promptly.

Back came the rejoinder, One more  thing we're very particular about is honesty. There is no doormat outside!

Sonu was saying her bedtime prayers: Please God, make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy,.....
‘Why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?’ Sonu’s mother asked.
And Sonu replied: Because, that is what I put in my Geography exam!’

Doctor: Shall I gave your wife a local anesthesia?” 
Businessman: “Certainly not. I can afford something imported..”.

My father wants me to have everything he did not have when he was a boy”.
“What didn't he have?”
“All A's on his report card.

Why do they call the language we speak our mother-tongue? asked the son
“Because fathers so seldom gets a chance to use it, replied his dad.

Judge: The last time I saw you, I told you that I didn’t want to see you here again.
Accused:That is what I tried to tell these policemen, your Honour, but they would not believe me.”

Chemistry Teacher:Can you give me the formula for water?” Student: “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-.” 
Chemistry Teacher:Where did you get an idea like that?” Student: 
“You told us the other day it was H to O.”

Teacher : “You missed school yesterday, didn't you?” 
Pupil: “Not a bit.”

Teacher: Everything you do is wrong. How can you expect to get a job when you leave school’
Pupil: Well, sir! I'm going to be a TV weatherman.

Mummy, Mummy! Where are you?’ cried the little boy on the promenade.
You poor little boy,’ said an elderly lady. Come with me and I’ll get you an ice cream and then we’ll go and look for your mummy.
I know where your mummy is,aid a small girl.
Shush!’ whispered the little boy. I know where she is, too, but I’ve managed to get two free ice creams this morning, and I want a third!’

The frantic-looking lady came rushing out of her house into the street and cried:

Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. I don’t know what to do!
Everyone looked the other way, except for a middle-aged gentleman who rushed into the lady’s house, found her young son, turned him upside down and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth.
Oh, thank you!’ cried the lady. ‘Are you a doctor?’
No madam,’ replied the middle-aged man. I’m from the Income Tax Department.’

Teacher: Mavis, can you tell me which month is the shortest?’ Mavis:It’s May, miss.’
Teacher:No, it isn’t. The shortest month is February.’
Mavis: But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!